For my culinary fans.
Invitations have been sent out via email, Fat Tony’s Italian catering has been hired, and Bon Jovi is currently setting up the stage as I type. This isn’t an 80s retro party going down, it’s a celebration with Miss Madison and I for the first annual National Ex Spouse Day celebration we are hosting. That’s right April 14th is a day to celebrate your ex. Hell yes, we’ve got a fresh shipment of voodoo dolls, enough shredded court documents to fill a dozen piñata dolls, and plenty of pictures that strangely are missing another person to pin to the dartboard for fun and games.
Seriously, a national ex day?! Did the zombie apocalypse start and I didn’t get the memo? Evidently the honorable Reverend Ronald Coleman of Kansas City, Missouri created this insane national day of recognition after what must have been one hell of sermon way back in 1987. Because I value my time, I vetted the back story on this about as much as I would the history of the lava lamp. When I saw this flash across my Twitter feed, the term “shit a brick” didn’t apply. More like a 2500 square foot ranch home was released from my bowels!
I’m ready to throw a party for the same person that caused me to lose my dog, my house, my dignity (temporarily), and now has caused me to spend something close to the GDP of Haiti to make sure I don’t see Sloane? This would be akin to asking a Jewish family to celebrate the Holocaust. Iranian reader, I know it didn’t happen, I also had breakfast with a talking bunny a couple of weekends ago so we can agree to disagree. I see Sloane so rarely these days that I’m fully expecting the next time we are together she’s going to ask me to go shopping for training bras or ask my opinion on various types of Playtex products. No thank you, Mr. Coleman, I think I’m going to treat April 14th like any other day and spend my free time plotting a hostile takeover of Diet Dr. Pepper and trying to get a one-on-one interview with whoever green lit Fuller House (the people deserve an answer) over at Netflix.
Sloane and I miss Suebee.
Speaking of Twitter, not since that time Avril Lavigne followed me on Google Plus did I have a social media coup like I did yesterday. Meet Mark Odlum, he started following me on Twitter yesterday and has 1—count them 14 –IMDB.Com (Internet Movie Database for the novices) acting credits to his name. He’s actually an accomplished producer also, but I might have gotten a little social media stiffy getting followed by a Hollywood type. I mean he has an IMDB.Com page for crying out loud! This is a much cooler Twitter follower for me than say a Russian dating app site…. right? Hammy says otherwise, but he’s too busy writing his memoirs these days to offer any real insight.
Mark, I can’t act or sing, but my agent will be in touch!
Mr. Skipah has to step back for a second and thank everyone for sharing the #MyBabyTooBill post from a couple of days ago. I write a lot of aimless dribble and nothing relevant on here at times, but that one did mean a ton to me. Special thanks to Jason for posting it on his own personal website, and, in an unrelated note, if my mounting legal fees weren’t enough, I’ve got to fund his kids an Ivy League education for the mention. Seriously though, if this can get to the legislative floor of Indianapolis and save another father from the hell I have had to go through, then my job here is complete.
Also, a quick tip for anybody, do not piss off a pack of dads that got put through the family law ringer. Evidently this law firm in Florida was a main proponent in the Florida SB 668 that granted fathers assumed 50/50 custody in that state and their mission statement on their website reads pretty much as “Let’s eff your man up in court!” Apparently, this is a prominent law conglomerate in the Sunshine State, and only adds more fuel to the fire that family law is a broken and corrupt system that favors women. If their Facebook page isn’t closed for maintenance yet, it only proves my theory that lawyers don’t know a damn thing about social media.
True story, I had to explain the #SloaneStaysHome hashtag to a prominent attorney in my area one time in court. You would think someone that bills for so much as pondering taking a phone call would be up to date on these kind of things. Nope, and this is the damn problem in family law! The people defending and ruling on this are from a different era, and since they can think like it’s 1984 and “Born in the U.S.A.” was charting on the Billboard at number one, they are allowed to! I’m ready to move to Florida after that billed passed, but thought differently after being reminded that Disney World is there.
There are some men a hell of lot smarter than me that are taking this to task nationally, I’m just hoping to get a little traction locally, and I will! In honor of National Ex Day, I’m not throwing a party, I’m going to go all Andy Dufresne and start putting lawmakers on alert with monthly letters! Andy got the best damn prison library in Maine funded, so there is hope and “Hope is a good thing.” Make parenting common sense, not feeding the shell game that is the family court system!
The previous paragraph was sponsored by the Shawshank Prison Society.
About it for now, I’ve got an exclusive interview with John Bon Jovi on his role in Young Guns II and how did he have such lovely hair in the late 80s. Miss Madison thinks our party invitations need some tweaking, and I’ve got to throw in my two cents on the New York primary elections on social media!