Just get a Hamster Drunk

We are LIVE from the Mathews arena (sponsored by Diet Dr. Pepper), 55 inches of television hanging on the wall of various college basketball games all over the country.  Currently questioning if being color blind would help this headache from watching Oregon vs. Oklahoma State.  Vibrant uniforms are putting it mildly.  Since Hammy was such a good boy last night I’ve let him join me in some more college basketball fun.  I’m not sure if he rigged the Indiana game earlier today (they loss BUT covered the spread) and he and his Russian comrades are laughing it to the bank.  I’ve outfitted him with more vodka and caramel covered hamster food for the evening so I’ll get him bombed and get the truth out of him before the night is over.  I’ll have him Americanized eventually, or he will need a liver transplant, spill it KGB rodent I don’t have the figures in front of me but I think the hamster liver transplant mortality rate is somewhere near 100 percent.  We don’t bury our rodents in this country either (well most of us) you will end up in the local landfill or waste water treatment plant.  Yeah Hammy you will be buried in shit, do you want to go out that way?  You can become the greatest hamster double agent the world has ever seen.  I’ll upgrade your food from whatever that crap is they sell at the pet store to a much more balanced diet…..cheerios (they come in all kinds of flavors), and your water bottle will be nothing but Stolichnaya.  We call it Stoli’s in the states.  Ball is in your court dude, your personal terrorist is all mine the next three weekends after this one and we will have to put the vodka up when she is here.  I can ease your pain you just have to work with me.

I’m either going to be the greatest hamster spy novelist in the history of the world or it could be why I’m single.  Also while googling how to spell Stoli’s I had to enter my age on the web site, really how frigging efficient is that, like some 16-year-old doesn’t know how to lie about his age online?  P.C. world guess you got to cover your ass no matter what.

Today starts Sloane’s abbreviated spring break, since it was supposed to start this week but didn’t because of snow make up days I agreed to take her Thursday-Sunday next week.  I wish I could just take off work so I didn’t have to get her up early on my schedule but life is cruel and I have to work, so I gave up my Wednesday night so she could get one more day of sleeping in.  We only had five “work” days to split 50/50 instead of ten so I took the high road.  Like I said earlier though I get her the next three weekends!  It’s dad’s year for Easter weekend plus my normal custody schedule, BAZINGA!

Since I won’t see her until Thursday, maybe Sunday when she has softball practice and at this point who in the hell knows if she will even get to attend practice, I did a drop in for lunch today at school.  The look on her face anytime I surprise her at school will never grow old, it’s one of those moments that I get to put in my mental locker and reach back for when I go long stretches without seeing her.  Getting treated like a rock star today though was something I didn’t expect.  I think I can start my own photography studio; I always try to get a snapshot for the parents of children I know outside of just social media.  It’s turned into a business now; I’m going to have to start shaking down second graders for more tater tots to take their picture.  All the kids wanted to get their picture taken!  The proudest moment was Sloane bragging about me the whole time, her “girl” friends asking me silly questions and her “boy” friends cutting up with me like I’m in their club.  It was beautiful playing silly elementary school games with all of them.  Did you know there is a new game in the second grade circles called dare one or dare two?  You get to choose two different dares, (I chose one and it was run your head into a wall) after a visit to the nurse’s station I was able to go back to work!  This new game sounds better than truth or dare for my daughter when she gets older!

Going to wrap it up for tonight, Hammy is starting to slur his words and now is my time to pounce on why Indiana lost today but covered the spread!  I think me depriving him of watching The Americans is starting to pay off.