Skipah can make you one hell of a deal on these! So far my T-shirt business has my diet consisting of discounted Ramen noodles and outdated canned goods.
Skipah, you adorable idiot, get a freaking job! That’s what I keep hearing from people, unfortunately finding a job has been harder than I thought it would be. It’s getting to the critical mass stage on my psyche! I haven’t been this bored since I watched the series finale of Mad Men. Contacts and leads have dried up quicker than an Arizona creek in July. Hopefully, something turns up sooner than later. I’ve been offered a couple of jobs and applied for some others, so let’s recap what has been going on in my life.
My dream job of Lay’s potato chip flavor creator hasn’t called me back yet. Speaking of potato chip flavors….what in the hell is going on! Fried Green Tomatoes? Cream cheese bagel? Crispy taco? Biscuits and Gravy? Ketchup? Dill Pickle? The potato chip “new” flavor of the week has gone mad! The ghost of George Crum has to be losing his freaking mind. This leads us to today’s Skipah’s history lesson.
To quote the great Mr. Arnold Hand “Is everyone at Lays on dope?”
Without recreating civil unrest (God knows there is plenty going on in this country), how come George Crum isn’t a celebrated individual in culinary history? This dude was half Indian and half African American and was a chef at the Moon Lake Lodge in Saratoga Springs, New York back in a time when being either of those ethnicities wasn’t exactly “kosher.” So Mr. Crum, in an attempt to appease the presumably white (that is revisionist history, but hey it’s my website) patron who was bitching about soggy fried potatoes at the restaurant, decided to thinly slice potatoes and fry them up. Add a little salt and “voila” the potato chip was created.
Now you would think Mr. Crum would have been set for life after this life altering creation. In the 1850s though you had a better chance of getting hit by lightning than being acknowledged for such a creation if your skin tone was the wrong color. This was before Abraham Lincoln had hunted vampires and then issued the Emancipation Proclamation, meaning that Mr. Crum couldn’t patent his new culinary find even if he wanted to. Future Crum descendants pretty much got screwed over in financial freedom, thanks to the fact our country’s past is “kind of ugly.” The potato chip ended up getting mass produced and now Lay’s gets to really go overboard with all these crazy flavors of thinly sliced fried potatoes!
This rant still isn’t over though, why in the hell did I have to do my own research to learn about George “Speck” Crum? He’s half African-American and half Indian; this man should be one of the poster children for great men in history! He freaking created the potato chip in America! Dear NAACP, next February during African American History Month George Crum better be getting promoted akin to Martin Luther King Jr.! Well maybe not quite as much, but you get the point! While I’m on the topic of African-Americans not getting their due, has anybody seen Hidden Figures? These women are screwed over in the annals of history. Hey, I’m whiter than a January snow in Utah, but as a white guy that doesn’t mind learning about history, I’m a tad bit disappointed that George Crum and others aren’t promoted by African-American leaders and I had to actually learn of these things via my own knowledge of the interwebs. Al Sharpton, you haven’t ever eaten a potato chip? If you have, then you better preach to the masses about George “Speck” Crum!
O.K. rant over, freaking disgusted over these obvious oversights of African-American geniuses! Katherine Johnson, Dorothy Vaughan, and Mary Jackson should be celebrated as American heroes for all races, as should George “Speck” Crum. Trust me, John Glenn may have never returned to earth when he orbited it for the first time. As for Mr. Crum this is one of the most tragic oversights in American history. Lays and other chip producers need to start sending checks to whoever is left in the family tree!
My fire game is still on point, unfortunately it doesn’t pay very well. I blame enviromentalists, because with a little plastic, styrofoam, and gasoline I could become a professional fire starter and make six figures!
Did you know there is a help line for Justin Bieber? Actually I have no idea if there is one, but if there isn’t, maybe I can start one! I know he is the bane of many Americans, but damn this Canadian has hit solid gold with Decipacitos. Since I speak Spanish as well as I speak in tongues, maybe I can translate lyrics for people (via Google) to enjoy the song. It’s a Miss Madison favorite right now, I just want to know what he is saying! Miss Madison did just inform me that I’m an idiot, apparently a Puerto Rico dude named Luis Fonsi actually sings it and The Beebs sings back up. Guess I should maybe look for another career.
My future in the plumbing industry is probably not going to end well….moving on.
The good folks at Tampax, apparently thought I was a woman and offered me a job as a tampon tester. The pay was suspect, but since I can write my name in the snow if I have to urinate, I felt underqualified for the job. Or maybe I was overqualified, either way I referred them to one of my woman friends. If I start bleeding from orifices I’m going to need more help than anything Playtex offers! Thank god I have those COBRA benefits going for me if such a calamity arises!
My electrical game has been strong! Unfortunately I am more certified in sarcasm than anything to do with electricity!
I’m about to make myself the self-appointed man bun czar. Armed with my favorite pair of razor sharp scissors and a license to clip, I’m about to end this man bun craze. Seriously dudes, the samurai look went out a long time ago. My friends in Japan have informed me that this look is dumber than looking at the sun during a solar eclipse. If you want long hair, grow it and keep it manicured. Putting it up in a bun, looks silly and makes me think you are a lazy ass. If you want that much hair on your head (says the guy with a receding hairline) then at least keep it groomed. Unfortunately, clipping man buns because I think they are ridiculous doesn’t pay anything. Plus my fighting skills aren’t up to par with any seasoned professionals, and I don’t need a good ass kicking right now. Maybe that tampon tester position is still hiring…..crosses fingers!
I have become the cheapest painter in town! My skills with paint are so good I painted the kitchen the wrong color. Miss Madison was not pleased, come on Zip Recruiter, help a brother out before I repaint the kitchen six freaking times!
Thankfully I haven’t had to submit a resume for any of these positions. The resumes I have submitted have been following the cricket channel on the internet. Two months now without having to worry about an alarm clock has me going nuts. If it wasn’t for Miss Madison and her penchant to crack a whip on me to do some painting I would be going crazy. Kitchen aside I can paint some baseboards like a Sherwin Williams ninja! No worries though, I’m still smiling, I now have a wife that would support me if I take a job as a pooper scooper. For humans not dogs, I have standards!
About it for now, thankfully I got my daughter back last weekend. If anybody can keep me on an even keel it would be her. I can’t wait to write about our day that we became honorary members of Switzerland for a day. That would be Switzerland County, Indiana , and the fun we had was legendary. Grape stomping, the step kids going wild, and hopefully Sloane’s future husband? I could get behind this dude, he’s polite and not from Kentucky!