Welcome to the Midwest!

I don’t know if Mother Nature had symptoms that required  a Midol or found out Father Time blew the family budget on his Preakness wagers, but damn she was pissed last weekend in my sector of the planet!  Friday she got all uppity and threatened us with one of those spinny things that has residents of Oklahoma speed dialing their insurance adjusters.  She took it easy on us and decided instead to make sure any duck passing through had a luxurious stay at a five-star impromptu pond of his or her choice.  This would prove to be a warm up for Mrs. Nature’s anger!

How’s your Friday going?  Image credit to Wave 3-Louisville

Saturday, everything was going just peachy.  It was a dad weekend for me so I had my only heir to the throne with me, the Turtle Man (more to come) had his birthday bash at the local party plaza, and Miss Madison conned me into a simple and easy DIY project that has me eating Aleve at a rate that would make a vegetarian blush at an organic salad bar.  Let’s just say it wasn’t so easy (again more to come).  Before it was all said and done, it got gnarly in these parts for about 30 minutes thanks to the aforementioned Mrs. Nature’s PMS.  Somebody get her a bottle of wine and tell her to chill out!

I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore!

For some reason the clouds starting getting really dark around 7:00 p.m. Saturday night.  I thought maybe that bitch known as Mrs. Nature screwed up a frosting she was making for a cake and put too much food coloring in the clouds.  Then I remembered that big dark clouds usually mean rain.  Couple that with my phone starting to sing like it was drunk on the finest Cuban rum with all the weather alerts, and lo and behold, it was a bonafide tornado warning!  A tornado actually pushed through these parts literally two-three blocks from my residence.  Standing on the front porch of the Skipah’s Realm headquarters, I thought the ghost of Erik the Red was sailing into port on the Ohio River planning a hostile takeover.  The thunder booms were some of the loudest I’ve ever heard, and I would have sworn Erik the Red was cannons ablaze on his assault of Madison!  

Need to work with Sloane on her tornado warning tactics.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that rain was coming down at a rate of 32 inches per second, that’s impossible you say, my backyard begs to differ.  She huffed and puffed and didn’t blow our happy home down.  What did she do instead in the ultimate threat to the Skipahsphere?  Tried to wipe out my local Diet Dr. Pepper watering hole, that’s what!  As much as she tried the gods were looking out for me and instead directed her ire to the gas pumps.  Unfortunately the next Walter Ray Williams won’t hail from my area anytime soon as the local bowling alley is currently taking roofing estimates after the tornado/straight line winds decided it needed a new roof.

Our little water fall suddenly turned into Niagara!

I’m kind of digging the new shark tooth awning. 

The day wasn’t a total wash out though, earlier the Turtle Man put his flag down on earth declaring he was six years old!  Due to time restraints I wasn’t able to make him another superhero cake, but Betty Crocker made sure all the patrons had the finest in chocolate cupcakes sponsored by Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.  Since the Turtle Man has recently been taking Boys Warrior Challenge classes at the same facility, he was more than eager to show off his newly acquired moves.    

Sloane, Miss Madison Jr., and the rest of the gang were mucho impressed with his newfound ninja skills.   

Saturday ended up being what can only be described as a long day.  Birthday party (all parent’s nod in agreement) and a full scale tornado merely blocks from here had our stress levels reaching Mt. Everest heights.  Some folks look for the finest in imported Gin for stress relief, but not us.  We decided to totally transform our living room!

Miss Madison, the aspiring interior designer back in her youth at Indiana University, had seen enough of the dogs using our carpet as a port-a-potty and promised me unlimited back rubs if I would spend two days ripping up the carpet and bringing the original hardwood back to life.  Apparently, years ago it had been entombed in craptasic carpet and allergy inducing padding.  Skipah, the debonair, was more than happy to please his future wife, until he found out that this carpet had apparently had been laid by installers with a speed addiction and a staple gun that would double as a weapon of mass destruction if it fell in the wrong hands.

FYI, There isna’t a Beerman that plays for the Reds.  Follow up FYI, this guy didn’t have a lady friend with him, I have no idea why!

When all was said and done, our hands and bodies had more knicks and cuts than if we spent an evening wrestling switchblades who were missing a Ritalin dosage.  No more foul odors, and Skipah and Miss Madison were quite proud of their newly (but yet to be launched) series “DIY on a Dime.”  I’m trying to get Josh Temple to sponsor us, but after another muscle in my back reminded me I’m old, I think our short lived series will end after one episode.  

The little ones did their best to pitch in, not pictured me covered in assorted bandages from the 62 cuts I recieved.

So by our standards a rather mundane dad weekend for us.  The weather had us homebound and Miss Madison had a look in her eyes I had never seen when I agreed to go Hulk Hogan on the carpet.  Sloane didn’t care one bit, she pitched in where she could, handled the dogs for us, and made sure to remind me I drink way too much Diet Dr. Pepper.  I really am starting to think that maybe Miss Madison is getting to be a bad influence on her!

Since school is out she won’t be returning to her own personal Hoosier Nation until June 2nd., Why so long?  Because she is in sunny Florida visiting her aunt for the next ten days.  Don’t worry, I’ve got my Sunshine State regiment of the Skipah’s Army on the ready if Sloane throws up the dad bat signal and I can’t get there right away.  When she gets back, that is when the fun really begins!  Stay tuned for details for what I’m trademarking as the “Summer of Love”, hold on I’ve got the research department buzzing in….”What do you mean?  I can’t use it in a blog post and a whole summer theme?  Hippies in San Francisco in the late 60s already claimed it?”  Well so much for that idea, I guess The Skipah Summer Extravaganza of 2017 will have to do instead.  Trust me, it is going to be epic!

See ya in a couple dad!

About it for now, Miss Madison and I just used two cans of Pledge on the “new to us” hardwood floors and are about to see who can do the longest headfirst slide without breaking our necks slamming into the wall.  Got a few other details to talk about, namely our new buddy Jacob!  He may or may not be a fire breathing dragon!

BJ’s wholesale website - DHGate.com
Send Skipah Sailing!


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  2. That floor looks amazing Skipah. It may have even added a few bucks ib value to the old homestead.

    Alan Herbert recently posted…The Salty Pelican – Fernandina Beach, Florida My Profile

    • We were super happy with the final result, never know when I’m going to have a bunch of crazy Brits visiting. I don’t want them “pissing” all over the place though, oh wait your “pissed” and my “pissed” are two different things. If a pack of crazy Brits visit, it would only be proper we get “pissed” together……am I right? 🙂

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  4. Loved this Gar. Holy crap on the tornadoes, but I’m impressed at your manly ripping out carpet skills. You rock and you’re hilarious to boot! 🙂
    dgkaye recently posted…Just Sayin’ – How to be Resourceful – Seeking Resolution with Postal IssuesMy Profile

  5. I just gotta say: It’s so awesome reading your posts and seeing just how much you love your daughter and your new family. You’re an inspiration for fathers everywhere!

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  7. There is nothing better than a house with all floors (hardwood and linoleum) to cut down on allergeans in your life! The house we are in the process of buying only has a tiny patch of carpeting downstairs. Since I can not go downstairs at the time, love rolling around my home in my wheelchair unobstucted by carpeting!

    So you say you have had a little rain? We have a swamp for a back yard now do to mother nature’s mood swings.
    hallenterprises132 recently posted…Have You Ever Had an Earworm?My Profile

  8. Love the floors. Great job. Sorry about the tornadoes. As long as T-man had an awesome birthday it was good.
    Tikeetha recently posted…Better DaysMy Profile

  9. Glad Skipah’s Realm is still intact after that mighty wind. Thanks for the rum connection!
    Jennifer recently posted…The Wisdom and Success of the FutureMy Profile

  10. I tired from just reading all that you did.

  11. Yay for new floors! 🙂 Sorry about yer owies.
    I believe the summer will be epic!
    joey recently posted…One-Liner Wednesday — Rude Awakening or Morning Prayer?My Profile

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