When Life Hands You Lemons

When life hands you lemons…..make batteries!  

Like a bad penny, guess who keeps showing up in your inbox!  It’s Mr. Skipah, I had to take a couple of nights off to get over that NCAA final game Monday night.  Clean and sober Hammy almost fell off the wagon watching North Carolina make a stunning comeback, but in the end he and I were cheering like a couple of teenage girls at a Bieber concert (thanks Canada like Celine Dion wasn’t enough) when Villanova pulled it out at the buzzer.  I’m not sure how many rubles he had on it, but afterwards I caught him on a Amazon shopping spree.

I can’t believe the Hooker’s Local 183 Union hasn’t forced this billboard to be removed.  Rates this low are going to put them out of business!

Attention all my British buddies, I need one of you to go all James Bond for me and run down this incredible deal I got from a bank over there.  Evidently some sixth generation Matthews died and had a boatload of unclaimed money totaling in the millions (not sure of the conversion rate to pounds), and this lady at the bank has uncovered this mysterious Matthews treasure and wants to give it all to me for a small portion!  Notice the byline on this post says Mathews with the tax evading one T my derelict father used in a hilarious attempt to out run the double T G-men.  I guess sixth generation family members have replaced Nigerian princes as the new internet go to for all things stupid.

Trust me there is no such things as a Mat(t)hews man sitting on millions of dollars in this life time or present.  I don’t care if he was from the Byzantine Era, Ming Dynasty, or walked Egypt with Moses, Mat(t)hews is Latin for “little to no money.” There was no way I falling for this scam.  About the only thing my sperm donor in chief offered me was a chance to be unique with, is the one T in Mathews gig I’ve lived my whole life with.  Kindergarten through my senior year in high school my mother probably suffered 205 ulcers and muttered unmentionables under her breath every single time a teacher would send a glowing progress report home.  Usually it was about me not applying myself and all that other wonderful teacher motivational jargon and it would be addressed with the two T’s instead of the proper spelling!

It’s just second nature to me now when ordering something over the phone or talking to local media outlets on some fundraising idea I will just “say Matthews with one T”, I’ve literally been doing this since I was old enough own a fake I.D., that I used exactly one time because the image on there looked like I was pledge for a biker gang and at the tender age of 20 I was baby-faced as they came.  I tried to use it once at a bingo parlor (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) and was politely told to get lost.

Today’s youth in my day obtaining a fake ID was actual work!  If you actually got one that remotely resembled you, your cool factor just approached something akin to a pre “jump the shark” Fonzi level.  None of this order online b.s. that today’s youngsters has it so easy with.  Some people used fake ID’s to obtain ghoulish things like beer and alcohol.  I hung out at the local Catholic high school and offered to buy them lottery tickets!  Just kidding my Catholic brethren!

Disclaimer:  Skipah’s Realm doesn’t condone the use of an illegal identification or promote the manufacturing of them.  That should make the law department happy.  Up and coming English savants that previous sentence is a lesson in redundancy.

Unfortunately it wasn’t dress up day at work, fortunately I’m still smiling!

Two more days and I finally get to see Sloane again!  It’s only been three weeks and change, if you willingly go that long without seeing your child(ren) you sir/ma’am are categorized in Skipah’s book as a mega douche bag.  If you unwillingly have to go through it I’m here for you.  We can form our own support group, or start an online bitch session.  If you use the child has a weapon you are a gutless coward, if you keep trying to get your child’s non-custodial parent jailed for nothing more than a website is just too damn irresistible for you.  Maybe you should seek professional help.

This concludes non-custodial parental opinion page for the day.  If you were looking for the Skipah’s dieting tips section tonight the editorial staff has pigeonholed it for another time.  I will say though a steady diet of soul food and no exercise is going to add inches to your waistline.

Could something magical be happening in Cincinnati?

With some more typical Indiana weather the past week, Katy Perry actually based the hit song Hot N’ Cold on Indiana weather I think, there hasn’t been much going on in the land of Skipah as of late.  Miss Madison has been busy lining out our next trip to Wisconsin this summer and I’m having fun shooting poison arrow darts across the river at Kentuckians.  Just kidding, I usually just remind them that Indiana University knocked them out of the tournament this year!

We did have the pleasure of attending Miss Madison Jr.’s science fair though, and the future of Madison, Indiana is looking brighter than I ever gave it credit for.  Miss Madison Jr. featured and exhibit on magnetism (the scientific kind, not my personality), and I’m going to brag on her for a bit as she was one of only two third graders that participated in the event.  Her initial plan fell through, but she improvised with a homemade compass and explaining how magnetic forces work.

The older kids had to actually do it for a grade, but all of them took great pride in their Einsteinian level research.  With Hurricane Turtle Man running wild like he just found a secret stash of Red Bull’s, Miss Madison was perfecting her lassoing skills and didn’t get to be much of a patron.  That left Mr. Skipah alone with his cell phone camera and imagination.  I swear I learned more in thirty minutes from fourth and fifth graders than if I spent a week roaming the earth with Stephen Hawking.

Hell even kids know that Tide is overpriced!

Mental note:  Must find these two kids around the Fourth of July, I need to channel this inner pyromania!

Evidently Bounty isn’t the quicker picker upper!  Giant Gummy Bears, I may or may not have taken full scale notes!  

About it for now, Miss Madison and I are working out the details for Mr. Skipah to raise a boatload of cash fast.  Organs and my prized collection of used mini blinds aren’t off the table.  I’ll figure it out though, because never fear Skipah is here!

Send Skipah Sailing!


  1. The Hooker’s Union isn’t going to like that!

  2. I would NEVER pay for VD. Even if I could get 3 for 1.

  3. I tried to sell off my liver but for some reason they didn’t want it :(.

  4. Ha let me know how you get on selling your organs?! Thanks for joining #passthesauce Great to have you!

  5. It was quite the shock to me also, BTW did you click on the Britain link?????????

  6. I never did trust that Bounty - I knew it wasn’t the quickest picker upperer!

    So just to be clear are you saying you’re not our lost British princess, heir to the entire lands of Britaindom?? Disappointing!

  7. My bingo hall roaming days were in the 90s LOL

  8. So Funny! I too talked about getting an ID, never did though, really the thing in the cough cough 80s.

  9. Thanks for visiting :), I try to keep it light hearted around here :).

  10. This did make me chuckle! Can’t believe you aren’t claiming your entirely legitimate ‘inheritance’ though…

    Love that science fair stuff, looks like a great job! #passthesauce

  11. The work they did was pretty amazing!

  12. those are some impressive science projects there my friend. and I agree 4th and 5th graders can teach us a whole lot!

  13. That’s crazy! My whole life it is always assumed that I’m a double T guy!

  14. You will probably be very surprised to know that my Matthews is frequently spelled with one “t”. So much so that I always say, “two t’ s” when someone is writing it down. Go figure! 🙂

  15. Just wish I got to see her more!

  16. To bad it’s only for a weekend!

  17. Your daughter’s growing up. I see the difference in her photos. Stumbling!

  18. So close, bet Sloane can’t wait to detox from stupidity!

  19. Casinos first or the “specialty” shops?

  20. I’m on the way to Denver!

  21. Uh no. We can both lead.

  22. Do you want me to lead?

  23. Oh it went through! Let’s dance!!!

  24. Watch my comment not go through…

  25. I’ll pass along the memo.

  26. Grandma’s rock on science fair projects! I helped Cody, Ethan and Abby with theirs and every year we got perfect scores!! Lexi did an awesome job, but from one Grandma to another I’ve got to give Miss Madison’s Mom a shout out as well!

  27. Great post! I really enjoyed it!

  28. It’s a good color on you. You’re welcome

  29. You are too funny “he and I were cheering like a couple of teenage girls at a Bieber concert”. Thanks for such a funny post - brightened theday!

  30. I don’t know about up there but it’s been extremely windy. Nothing like last Saturday, but still gusty. I think the area tourism board needs to look into hold a Kite Flying convention around here! Never mind it’s going to be right at freezing this weekend!

  31. I will look into the testicle donating society of Indiana. Do they still take them even if they are fixed? Best blog that you’ve read in a while? That’s high praise coming from the Ginger Army!

  32. Moo has been working on her science fair project as well. I will surely upload its posterboard one of these days.
    This weather? Gah. I like cold and damp, but it’s either too cold or too damp, because I find it unpleasant and my hands sure do hurt a lot lately!
    I’m glad your time with Sloane is fast approaching, and I hope y’all have a fantastic time together!

  33. I hear that donating a testicle brings a small fortune. Just sayin…lol. Best blog that I’ve read in a while.

  34. Actually Miss Madison’s mom did the heavy lifting on this one. Everybody likes me in yellow for some reason…pardon my manners thanks for the compliment.

  35. Thanks for your support Lori!

  36. I’ve actually gotten three of those emails, another one was from a “veteran” who found umpteen millions investing in some Iraqi oil scheme or something like that. Science fair was really cool!

  37. Thanks D.! Fun one to write :).

  38. Thankfully we opened with the Phillies, I don’t foresee good things this year :(.

  39. Thanks Carol, I try to keep in interesting. Diet tips are coming soon :).

  40. Love the shirt and tie. Yellow is a good color on you. Did you guys stress out over helping Little Miss Madison with her science fair project?

  41. Wonderfull post as always!

  42. Very cool science fair stuff!! I don’t miss those days though… Lol!

    Two more days til you see Sloane! Yippeeeee!!!

    Those that use children as weapons are absolutely gutless cowards. It’s cruel and unfair to a child. Takes two to have a kid. And if both parents are able and capable, both should be involved!

    Enjoy your millions, Mr. Mathews… Lol! 😉

  43. Cool! Loved this! 🙂

  44. Aww look at your team right below mine! I love that you are such an optimist!😊

  45. Skipah, you lead a fascinating life, that is all I can say. Fascinating. Hope your time with Sloane just rocks! Let me know when your diet tips are up. Just sayin’.

Tell Skipah all about it!