Another Day at the Office

Hash browns anyone?  After this post I’ll be making them for life for Miss Madison!

Long day at office, and by long think something along the lines of a Ken Burns documentary.  What do I come home to……Hammy pounding vodka and watching women’s tennis like a rodent version of Wynn Duffy.  Since Miss Madison and her troops were off to a school function I poured a Maple Leaf Surprise for myself and quickly learned that Hammy has been a North American contact on this whole ATP (that’s Association of Tennis Professionals Kentuckian) gambling scandal.

I really hope the FBI doesn’t see this!  Vladimir P……Hmmm.  I’m guessing Ivan from Chernobyl glows.

After a few more White Russians he informed me that he was glad for the transfer to Madison as word from the mother country indicated the feds were closing in on him and his nefarious gang of rodent number runners.  Who knew that a four ounce hamster that my daughter has literally tortured enough that I’m waiting on PETA to throw a lawsuit on me any day, was part of the Russian conglomerate that has alleged to been a part of the tennis match fixing scandal.  I kept wondering how he was paying his bills on HotHamsters.com!

On the flip side when I talked to Sloane this evening she thought Hammy needed a girlfriend like her dad, so things might be looking up for the little furry rodent.  She even picked the future Mrs. Hammy a name….Flower.  I wasn’t ready to have the birds and the bees talk with her tonight, so I didn’t have the heart to tell her Mr. and Mrs. Hammy would probably have a large family in no time!  Hamsters can drop up to a dozen varmints at a time!  I’ve heard enough labor war stories from actual women I can’t imagine sitting in on a double X chromosome hamster wine party and listening to their horror stories.

I seem to remember way back when this Canadian bad ass/weirdo named Alanis Morissette had a big hit with “Ironic”, ironically I wrote this post a year ago.  Wow what a difference a year makes!  I’ve since shut down the production factory and sold the manufacturing equipment for scrap.  Besides I’m dating a bona fide craft ninja who can do this kind of stuff in her sleep.  Fear not loyal denizen Skipah’s Realm will still take custom orders for anyone interested on warding off evil curses or just needing an object to take out their frustration!

My Voodoo doll business never took off.

Skipah’s Realm is also currently conducting interviews for a Pinterest page manager.  There isn’t much I can’t figure out on my own in the world of social media, but this is akin to learning Mandarin Chinese to me!  The rumor on the street is Pinterest is the go to place for blog traffic.  The traffic I get off of Pinterest is similar to a one lane county road in the middle of downtown Siberia.  Never fear though Mr. Skipah will figure it out and will take over Pinterest world one animal meme at a time.

Actually my Vice President is supposed to be working on this, but she can’t seem to pry herself away from Downton Abbey long enough to get a handle on it.  What is up with this show and why do people like it?  No offense Brits you are some of my biggest fans, but this has to be the worse stuff coming off your island since the Spice Girls!  Expecting parents there is no reason to buy all those expensive gadgets to help your little diaper dumper get to sleep.  Streaming one episode of Downton Abbey is a fraction off the cost of the latest and greatest in baby mobiles that you will get ten cents on the dollar for at a yard sale in the not so distant future.  I got sleepy just typing this paragraph!

My veep could be laying down on the job because she seems to have become a bit of a rock star herself!  

Yes this is a true blue piece of mail delivered to Miss Madison, if you think that is our “actual” address you must live in Kentucky or ingest too much hippie lettuce.  Before I’m relegated to sleeping on the couch and pissing off a whole planet of women I better shift gears!  Tomorrow the blonde bomber returns from her two week sabbatical where the grass is supposedly blue.  Hopefully she doesn’t come armed with a banjo, a case of Ale 8, and a mutant strain of bedbugs.  No big plans for us this weekend other than you know actually spending time together.  Weather approaching the sixties so she and I might just have to channel our inner Greg Lemond and take the bikes out for a spin, (think Huffy not Harley) I’ve got plenty of new neighborhood to discover and who better to take with me to explore than my little blonde explorer!

One of my proudest moments as a dad!  Teaching her how to ride a bike literally days after learning I was getting divorced!

About it for tonight….I need to destroy any evidence of Australian Open betting slips before all hell breaks loose at my new home and if Downtown Abby doesn’t put me to sleep I’m sure this Republican debate sans Trump will.