I Got a Flue Shot, Now My Chimney Works Perfectly

Food blogger digest suggested I lead with this tonight.

Credit Steve Martin for the title quote.  In case you may have missed it, and really I hope you did, it is National Chimney Safety Week.  Because ANYBODY that uses a chimney in their domicile really needs to be reminded one week a year that if they don’t keep their chimney free of creosote and other debris your chances of a chimney fire dramatically go up.  Who sanctioned this?  The secret society of idiot homeowners?  I’m not belittling anybody that has ever had to experience a chimney fire and I know fluke accidents can happen, but seriously a “national” week?  What is next week going to be?  Be sure to change your vehicle’s oil sponsored by Valvoline?  Better yet let’s commission a panel (would be one of the better ideas coming out of Washington) to grant every week something that anybody with an IQ over 25 would already understand.  I’m picking the third week in May as National Brush Your Teeth week……I don’t even have the heart in me to insert the proverbial Kentucky joke that is there for the taking.

Here at the Skipah hacienda tonight we are celebrating chimney safety by starting our own fire on the stove top and letting the range fan suck out the smoke.  It was Hammy’s idea (some of his best work comes after a day of drinking his precious vodka) and me be a red blooded male thought what the hell.  Let’s prove the idiocy that is chimney safety week by starting our own indoor fire.  In an unrelated note I just got a call from the local sanitarium to come on down to be fitted for my own white jacket.  O.K. I’m done berating this moronic idea that there should be a National Chimney Safety Week.  If you have a chimney keep it cleaned!  I’ll put you in touch with the chimney sweep lobby I’m sure they can point you in the right direction!  For the record I did not start a fire in my apartment I’m an adult now, when I was young lad though I may or may not have done that.  We will save that story for another time in the stupid shit Skipah did as a child archives.

Troubling news in the land of Sloane, details are fuzzy and the Skipah Legal Defense team is currently holding a cattle prod against my left testicle so I don’t type the wrong thing.  So let’s go with a sports theme for a second.  Notre Dame alums remember when you hired a high school coach to take over your heralded football program in the 1980s?  In case you forgot his name was Gerry Faust.  It turned out he couldn’t coach a lick, well Sloane is receiving coaching that makes him look like Vince Lombardi!  I saw right through it corrected Sloane on it yesterday evening, and everything is kosher again in the daughter/daddy world.  Poor girl has been through hell and back, and I’m doing all I can to protect her from it.

Holy shit Batman!  Locals will get this, but I knew he looked familiar!  I’m living right across the hall from David Camm’s brother!  He moved in last weekend!  My last house I lived half a block from William Clyde Gibson, these are only the two most notorious people in Floyd County, Indiana in the last 25 years.  I’m anxiously awaitng a crew from MSNBC to interview me!  Granted Mr. Gibson was already behind bars when I lived there, and this Mr. Camm probably is hoping for a life under the radar.

We are T-minus seven days and counting before Skipah hits the road for a week of fresh air Wisconsin style!  I was in the process of packing my snorkel, rubber ducky float, SPF 100000, and a week’s worth of Field and Stream magazines today so I had plenty of beach activities to keep me occupied next week before Miss Madison informed me the water is in the 60s this time of year.  Brrrrrrr, Mr. Skipah will stick to fishing and gawking at lighthouses.  Besides it is way to late in the season to be shopping for some new swim trunks!  I’ll wait until next year and get the latest in swim wear that Michael Phelps is pimping.  Other than spending time with Miss Madison and enjoying a vacation with Sloane the one thing I hope I can say when I get home is I caught a walleye.  Any tips from my northern readers on catching one of these delicious amphibians would be much appreciated.  Interstate 65 isn’t going to know what hit them come this time next week.  The only thing I’m dreading is going a week without my beloved Diet Dr. Pepper Polar Pops.  Maybe I’ll luck out and there will be a local choke “n” puke with some DDP on tap.

Don’t ask about Dan, he takes a lot of vacation!

About it for tonight, I’ve got the obligatory Hammy, Sloane, Kentuckian joke, and Miss Madison portion of the blog out of the way so I think we are good for the evening.  Going to write another chapter in my yet unpublished book “The Little Blogger That Could”, and anxiously await my evening call from Miss Madison!